[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
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Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
me: i’m terrified of random letters
therapist: you are?
therapist: oh i see
me: [screaming intensifies]
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first
Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
I’m reenacting the War of 1812 with 47 gummy bears so I think the Ambien has finally kicked in.
Casualties have been immense… & delicious
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Been told I’m a pretty awful human being.
I stopped listening after he said I was pretty.