I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
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*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
whatcha thinkin bout
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.