@ddsmidt

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

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@QwertyJones3

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

@WilliamAder

Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.

@MindyFurano

Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.

@arcadeseals

me: i’m terrified of random letters

therapist: you are?

me: [screams]

therapist: oh i see

me: [screaming intensifies]

@ArfMeasures

[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go first

Date: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?

Me: Should male sheep be called heep?

@shegotagronk

I’m reenacting the War of 1812 with 47 gummy bears so I think the Ambien has finally kicked in.

Casualties have been immense… & delicious

@NoFucksWereGave

My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.

@noogscorner

Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.

@BritXNic

Been told I’m a pretty awful human being.
I stopped listening after he said I was pretty.