I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
You Might Also Like
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room