On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they’re an 11. It’s a fun way to let them know they don’t exist and they take it as a compliment.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
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The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”
[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]