I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
You Might Also Like
This is my brand.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.