@krisv_723

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

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@TankCesar

Vaccines don’t kill children.
Anakin Skywalker kills children.

@BeerOholic

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

@robfee

Wow the weather sure is getting cool *A cloud rolls by wearing sunglasses and smoking an unfiltered cigarette*

@shalaylaa

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

@robdelaney

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

@Birdhumms

Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….

And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

@ImHopel3ss

Somewhere, someplace, there’s a hole in the world & inside it there’s a bunch of gremlins hoarding the 50,000 lighters I can’t find.

@MamaFizzles

11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.

@WinningByARose

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

@bingowings14

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.