Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
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“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
I bet Fred Flintstone wishes he had a Fitbit.
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
USA: “Hey nachos, today’s your big day!”
Nachos: “What about Cinco de Mayo?”
USA: “What’d you just say?”
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”