I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
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– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
*praying for world peace*
God:
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.