@robininthegreen

I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.

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@ddsmidt

Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.

HR: Get out

@tastefactory

“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza

@ArfMeasures

[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler

@KyleMcDowell86

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

@3sunzzz

The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.

@SteveDutzy

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

@squirrel74wkgn

[in living room]

Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it

@AaronFullerton

USA: “Hey nachos, today’s your big day!”
Nachos: “What about Cinco de Mayo?”
USA: “What’d you just say?”
Nachos: “Nothing.”

@goldengateblond

I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”