I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?

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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.

Me: No.


I’m trying to teach my 6yr old to use a walkie talkie but it’s just been a half hour of me yelling “You have to push the button the entire time you’re talking!” over and over and over and…


“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”

Sir are you a shark in disguise?

*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*


Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.


Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?


doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week

me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one


This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread


Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.


When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.