i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
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My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
this makes me so uncomfortable
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.