@CruisinSoozan

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

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@ohpeetie

– “Did you know you can make a pizza crust out of cauliflower?”

– “I’m going to reactivate my Facebook so I can unfriend you there too”

@mollymcnearney

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

@over_rated

“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians

@Turbo_Jimmy

UK – We call it Autumn, from the French word “autompne” and later, the Latin “autumnus”

USA – WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAF FALL DOWN

@ch000ch

accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy

@CulturedRuffian

Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?

@qikipedia

In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.

@TweetPotato314

boss: you’re late

me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour

boss: did it work

me: no, I think I need better shoes

@bobvulfov

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them