@ohpeetie – “Did you know you can make a pizza crust out of cauliflower?”
– “I’m going to reactivate my Facebook so I can unfriend you there too”
@CruisinSoozan I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
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@ohpeetie 
@mollymcnearney About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
@over_rated “HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
@yaseen_moi Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
@Turbo_Jimmy UK – We call it Autumn, from the French word “autompne” and later, the Latin “autumnus”
USA – WE CALL IT FALL BECAUSE LEAF FALL DOWN
@ch000ch accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
@CulturedRuffian Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
@qikipedia In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
@TweetPotato314 boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
@bobvulfov ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them