@CruisinSoozan

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

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@VaguelyFunnyDan

“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”

@lloydrang

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

@BallsToIt23

Who called it “wearing a monocle” and not “putting on a bit of a spectacle?”

@titusbb

I don’t understand why people go to the gym all the time… everything there’s so heavy.

@BastardProphet

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

@Fenyris

I wear dresses to work so it takes me less time to use the loo so people won’t think I’m pooping. So yeah, I’d say I’m pretty professional.

@mom_ontherocks

My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy

@Timothygriff317

Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids

Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward

@tlcprincess

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

@RachelNoise

I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.