I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
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If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it