I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
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I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Who called it baking and not making love
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
so, is there a mister shapen head
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.