I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
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If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Monday Lisa
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
INTERVIEWER: What happened at your last job?
ME: I was fired for being too literal.
I: How have you supported yourself since then?
M: Legs.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two