@rasm69

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

You Might Also Like

@karanbirtinna

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

@HomeWithPeanut

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

@jonnysun

me on ellen

ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen

me: yeah

*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*

both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt

@steeve_again

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

@Elizasoul80

I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”

@frankzulla

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

@Megatronic13

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

@KentWGraham

When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.

@Smug_Lemur

“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”

-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.