@rasm69

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

- @rasm69

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@JohnLyonTweets

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

@Home_Halfway

FRIEND: Your smoothie looks awesome

ME: Thanks. It’s just 20oz of guacamole, it cost me $310

@tigersgoroooar

waiter: any questions?

me: did courtney kill kurt??

him: uh, about the menu?

me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu

@Divergentmama

[At the magic store]

Me: I need to return this – you told me it would ward off evil spirits in my home and it didn’t work.

Employee: oh my goodness, are you ok?

Me: I guess, but I cast the spell and then the kids just walked in from school like normal.

@PFitzpa

I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.

@ParanormalQueer

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

@Kyle_Lippert

Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.