I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
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Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]