I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
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Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*