I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
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I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,