I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
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Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
My daily affirmation
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Passwords are more important than ever.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care