“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
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[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.