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Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.


You hate it
“No I just didn’t think we’d spend our anniversary here”
“What was that?!”
The bouncy castle is deflating


There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:


Starting to believe that your family tree must’ve been cactus.


*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet


Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.


I respect strippers because its really hard to dance by yourself and not look stupid.


cop: “you kinda look like one that’s all”
me: “in no way am i a pirate”
cop: “hmm, are you sure?”
parrot on my shoulder: “did he stutter?”


pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there


(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep