My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
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My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.