@TweetPotato314

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

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@Poutymcgee

SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YA!

*shakes Uncle Johns ashes in a gold plated ornate urn

@withanewname

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

@SamuelHLowe

My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He’s full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.

@AndyAsAdjective

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

@myonlymizztake

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

@RandomlyMJ

Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man “What are you thinking?” Because now I know and I am horrified.

@djdarrellripley

Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…

@Parkerlawyer

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

@SCBamaMan

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

@Carbosly

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.