SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YA!
*shakes Uncle Johns ashes in a gold plated ornate urn
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
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After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
My trainer said with enough sacrificing I could get a 6-pack. He’s full of shit & I have 4 dead goats & 17 decapitated chickens to prove it.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Thanks to Twitter I will never again ask a man “What are you thinking?” Because now I know and I am horrified.
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.