@TweetPotato314

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

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@imence2

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

@1Happytwit

You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea

@QwertyJones3

COLLEGE STUDENT: Mom wants me to be a doctor, but I really just want to be one of those people who takes your money at the bank.

DAD: Teller

COLLEGE STUDENT: I do but she doesn’t listen

@jordanrubin

“We stopped making the style of jeans that fit you perfectly right after you bought your first pair.” -Every store ever

@Rollmaninoz

*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is

@BwanaChris

Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.

@abbycohenwl

Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow

@simoncholland

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.