i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

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“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once


ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion


Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once


You guys ever try boiled pasta? It’s not as crunchy but it’s alright


Australian is what happens when the British get wet and eat after midnight


wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?


My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.


*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now


“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.


Not sure why this lady looked so shocked when I whispered, “LIAR!” into her ear after I watched her type “lol”.

She did NOT lol.