@TweetPotato314

i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”

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@KeetPotato

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

@SondraDeeMe

[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion

@TheOnion

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

@BoscoPorter

You guys ever try boiled pasta? It’s not as crunchy but it’s alright

@skin_and_i

Australian is what happens when the British get wet and eat after midnight

@iwearaonesie

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?

@Darlainky

My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.

@DillDoes

*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now

@FrenulumBreve

“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.

@jergarl

Not sure why this lady looked so shocked when I whispered, “LIAR!” into her ear after I watched her type “lol”.

She did NOT lol.