i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
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Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
I need to find just the perfect men’s swimsuit and then only ever wear it twice annually
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.