Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
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Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
This vodka tastes strange, kinda like I’m not going to work tomorrow.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Some people are shocked when they find out I have a degree from Harvard. It’s not my degree, found it at a yard sale. But still, I have it.
LINCOLN: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Hell hath no fury like woman tagged in a Facebook photo that makes her look fat.