@FlyJ_

I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.

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@iLikeCatShirts

Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.

*Gary pole vaults past us*

@HalliB

Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.

@DaddyJew

Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people

@Molly_Kats

This vodka tastes strange, kinda like I’m not going to work tomorrow.

@david8hughes

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

@bourgeoisalien

Some people are shocked when they find out I have a degree from Harvard. It’s not my degree, found it at a yard sale. But still, I have it.

@Audenary

LINCOLN: Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt.

TWITTER: No.

@SteveKoehler22

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

@That_Damn_Duck

Hell hath no fury like woman tagged in a Facebook photo that makes her look fat.