I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
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describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter