Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I still don’t understand why people say marriage is so hard when I’ve successfully completed 2 of them…
You Might Also Like
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
I’m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don’t really get the metric system. How much exactly is “in moderation”?
HER: I like a man who’s well-informed.
ME: [trying to impress] The couple at the next table are getting a divorce.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”