*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
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If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.