@archerenemy

I still don’t understand why people say marriage is so hard when I’ve successfully completed 2 of them…

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@ArfMeasures

Me: How do I beat the bully?

Dad: Just punch him

Me: I am not doing that

Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him

Me: So like an uppercut?

@TweetsByKaylee

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

@meganamram

“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly

@momtransparent1

If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.

@CYComedy

Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.

@SamuelHLowe

I’m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don’t really get the metric system. How much exactly is “in moderation”?

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I like a man who’s well-informed.

ME: [trying to impress] The couple at the next table are getting a divorce.

@jwoodham

BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”