I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
You Might Also Like
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
this is the best interaction on twitter
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Oh, you love me? Name three of my recent emotional breakdowns
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.