Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
You Might Also Like
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats