I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
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Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.