I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
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My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
A family that plays together cheats.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.