[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
You Might Also Like
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some earbuds in your pocket 2) wait one minute
“Why are you glowing?”
“I’ve been eating light.”
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon