“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day

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[Arriving to cult meeting]

Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?

Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.


Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.


How to tie the strongest knot ever: 1) put some earbuds in your pocket 2) wait one minute


“Why are you glowing?”

“I’ve been eating light.”


I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.


I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?


doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died

my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar


My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…


[post sex]

Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad

Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon