“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
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I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week