@Donna_McCoy

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

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@gogglepossum

[2 monkeys in a bath]

Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!

Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in

@Storminika

Can’t afford Sea World, so I took my kid to a fish market.
Me: ‘Shhh, they’re asleep’
‘Mom, they’re breaded’
Me: ‘That’s their blankie’

@slimmy_shady

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

@jpbrammer

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

@OakHill_

Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.

@Darlainky

Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.

@GingerHotDish

My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.

@bobvulfov

sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen

@Scimommy

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.