@Donna_McCoy

I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

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@BberrySurprise

“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.

@daplusk

Nephew: [crying in line for Santa photo]
Me: what’s wrong?
Nephew: He scares me
Me: why? are you [turns to camera] Claustrophobic?

@Brianhopecomedy

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

@ArfMeasures

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

@ewfeez

“Don’t take this the wrong way.”

-Lazy pharmacist

@Gupton68

Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

@lasergirl70

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

@DarkerWillow

Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.