I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

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[2 monkeys in a bath]


Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in


Can’t afford Sea World, so I took my kid to a fish market.
Me: ‘Shhh, they’re asleep’
‘Mom, they’re breaded’
Me: ‘That’s their blankie’


When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?


I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”


Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.


Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.


My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.


sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight

after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen


90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.