I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.

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“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.


Nephew: [crying in line for Santa photo]
Me: what’s wrong?
Nephew: He scares me
Me: why? are you [turns to camera] Claustrophobic?


Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.


ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny


“Don’t take this the wrong way.”

-Lazy pharmacist


Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?


*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8


Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.