I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
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*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.