I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

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I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.


If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.


“my son, can I ask why you’re carrying two HUGE crucifixes?”
Well father, I’ve been…
*God starts breakdancing*


dog 911: what’s ur emergency?


dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass


Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.


“should i go into the arts?”

“can you imagine yourself doing anything else?”


“then i wouldn’t go into the arts, with no imagination”


Just had workplace violence training. It’s like HR doesn’t even care about the first rule of fight club.


One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.