@skedaddle74

I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)

Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.

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@Parkerlawyer

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

@nerdreign

If buying new underwear is evidence of an affair, my husband has been faithful for at least nine years.

@someniceflowers

“my son, can I ask why you’re carrying two HUGE crucifixes?”
Well father, I’ve been…
Double-crossed
*God starts breakdancing*

@Reverend_Scott

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

@DarlingNikki_12

Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.

@myqkaplan

“should i go into the arts?”

“can you imagine yourself doing anything else?”

“no”

“then i wouldn’t go into the arts, with no imagination”

@taramae72

Just had workplace violence training. It’s like HR doesn’t even care about the first rule of fight club.

@KayRants

One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.