I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
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Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
That earthquake could have been an email.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.