I still remember the first time I lied about being able to time travel. It was tomorrow.
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If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
this will hang in the louvre one day
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.