[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Just as the prophecy foretold
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest