INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
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My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I’m not afraid of spiders.
I’m afraid of people who are afraid of spiders.
Please stop screaming and put down the hammer.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.