@Bob_Janke

I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.

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@TheTweetOfGod

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

@MelvinofYork

I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.

@AthenaMystique

I hope buying all this cat food doesn’t make me look like a crazy cat lady.

I just like the taste.

@Mom_Overboard

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

@Carbosly

When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.

@DudeInABearSuit

If we are talking and I reach up and slowly turn my bear suit head around backward, our conversation is over.

@qwajo_jnr

You know that moment when you close a cupboard and hear something fall? That’s the sound of someone else’s problem

@Jamberee13

I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party

@kumailn

Every chef on Chopped’s like “I was medically dead for 3 yrs & my wife married the guy who pushed me off that bridge. My specialty is bao.”

@Ristolable

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time