I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
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“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
*lint rolls you awake*
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.