My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
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I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
[all the dairy products r hanging out]
Milk: lets go drink
Whipped cream: my gf says i cant. its scrapbooking night
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
Some cats just sit there looking at you like you owe them money.
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.
barber 1: ugh this guy again, youre doing him this time
barber 2: you coulda told me he turns around to answer every question