This is my salad fork. That’s my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
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Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others?
Me: Don’t flip out, but I feel like you’re asking me that to make yourself look smart.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.