@causticbob

I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.

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@delusions_of

This is my salad fork. That’s my dinner fork. This is my lasagna shovel.

@FeelingEuphoric

Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly

@MartaEffing

Therapist: Do you project your problems onto others?
Me: Don’t flip out, but I feel like you’re asking me that to make yourself look smart.

@electrolemon

why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2

@batkaren

The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”

@VerifiedBIB

Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.

@JustMeTurtle

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

@lisaxy424

don’t worry, i’m not like other girls

*head slowly rotates 360*

@ilovepie84

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.