I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
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her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin