I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
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BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Ah yes. The three genders
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
HR: Do you use the visualization exercises from the anger management class?
Me: Yes, I picture a swarm of bees attacking co-workers.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.