My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
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I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
I literally use hyperbole seven billion times a day.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Lovey dovey couples look best when viewed through the scope of a high powered rifle.
“Hey, long time. Wassup?” should be auto-corrected to “Dude. Can you do me a favor?”
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.