I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
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I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Oh my god
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
me after eating Cheetos
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???