I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

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Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no


10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.


The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.


Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.


“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors


He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N


1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage


Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.


[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze


4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh


Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.