@_odlanyeR

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

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@OakHill_

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

@tyleroakley

The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.

@Zombie_Kitv2

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

@GrowlyGrego

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

@abbycohenwl

[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N

@WorkingMom86

1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed

1 AM: I should reorganize the garage

@delome10

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.

@TheHatStore

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

@mommywhitfield

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.