*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
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mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
an octopus is just a wet spider
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
i hope my email finds you on fire
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
accurate
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.