I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.

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Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!

Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?


A bald guy in a turtleneck sweater looks 97% like a roll-on deodorant.


[first Craigslist transaction]

Seller: so

Buyer: yeah

Seller: do…do I kill you ?

Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you


Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.


Breaking News ….. international womans day postsponed until tomorrow , as they haven’t got anything to wear


i don’t need a “previously on…”
ive been watching this show for 9 hours straight


I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio — so I committed suicide twice.


Brain: Let’s play a game.

Me: What?

Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.

Me: Fuuuuu……


This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.