Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
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Look, all I’m saying is that the dinosaurs didn’t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Crazy how the premise of all children’s cereals is that the mascots have a devastating chemical dependency on them
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
1st Anniversary: Let’s go to Vegas
5th Anniversary: Get a sitter so we can go to dinner
10th Anniversary: Russian roulette sounds like fun
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.