I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
You Might Also Like
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose