Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
You Might Also Like
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
this is literally a CIA plant
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.