I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
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Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
there’s probably a fee though
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.