I was feeling great about myself when I saw my number on the womens bathroom wall ‘for a good time’.
Then I recognized my hand writing.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
You Might Also Like
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.