I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
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[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Baby, it takes two to tango
But only one to tequila.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.