Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
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Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.