Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
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Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
All the “men aint shit” tweets slow down around Valentine’s Day
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.