I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
You Might Also Like
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
What a year we’ve had this week.
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Europe. Made in Germany.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
“Release the Kraken!”
…
“Well?”
“We released him. He just took off. It’s not like he was trained or anything.”
…
“Release the tuna!”
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.