@IamEnidColeslaw

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

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@Brianhopecomedy

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

@chelseyhotel

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

@OMGSoOverIt

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

@vuhsace

All the “men aint shit” tweets slow down around Valentine’s Day

@FForEffort1

So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”

@boozemunkee

Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.