VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
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No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Come back with a warrant
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”