I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
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@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
I put the mess in domestic.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.