ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
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Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Your body is a temple. Congrats on the expanding congregation!
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.