@theevilwriter

I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.

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@dorsalstream

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

@PaulyPeligroso

Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?

@blade_funner

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

@darksidedeb

Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.

Or met people.

@SexySpacePrince

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

@TweetingDadGuy

When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.

@WilliamRodgers

So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…

@mommajessiec

My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.