if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
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Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
Social distancing in Australia:
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.