Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
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If I learned anything from my childhood, its that if you cry long enough, your dead hamster will be reborn as a rabbit
If you don’t get sarcasm, follow these simple steps that will definitely help you understand it easily: Die.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY