@HousewifeOfHell

I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.

You Might Also Like

@PoliUncorrect

If I learned anything from my childhood, its that if you cry long enough, your dead hamster will be reborn as a rabbit

@KKAlThani

If you don’t get sarcasm, follow these simple steps that will definitely help you understand it easily: Die.

@OwensDamien

The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.

@thegreatnanak

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

@RobertPunchur

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

@lincnotfound

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

@Darlainky

Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.

Canada: Let’s keep it that way.

@BumbleDC

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY