Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
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Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
termite twitter scares me
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Steam Forums
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?